Exactly a year ago I made this entry here in this journal. Back then I never imagined it would turn in to what it has. But just look at me now. What a year it's been. I thank whatever higher force decided to finally make me dip my toes in to this fandom that day, because it's given me so much back since. The most amazing pairing I've ever known, a woman I fall more in love with every day and the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for. Here's to more fabulous years to come! ♥

Alright, I'll cut the mush now. I just wanted to mark the occasion in some way because I think it's something that should be commemorated. It means a lot, at least to me personally. :)

*hands out cake*

Love to all of you! *group hug*

[diagnosis| nostalgic]
[rocking out to|A Moment Like This - Leona Lewis]

In reference to the title, FanForum being down is not helping me in my skiving off ambitions. It should know to be working at times like this. ;)

This place is rubbish. You get left sitting on your backside doing nothing all day. I know I'm a lazy bugger but this takes the cake! I'm supposed to be getting set up with a work placement in a veterinary surgery on Thursday though, so fingers crossed I won't be here much longer.

About the last House episode, what can I really say? I don't feel there are words sufficent enough to cover my thoughts and reactions. Safe to say it killed me in about fifty different way, seriously. I think I actually had tears in my eyes at various points. Especially the ending, jesus christ on a bike. On a shallower note, I am now gayer for Lisa than I have ever been in my life. DAMN. *That* scene is now burned in to my brain and just keeps on replaying. And I love her for being balls out fearless enough to do that in the first place, she nailed it SO PERFECTLY and I'm so proud of her. We love you Lisa. ♥

Meh. Suppose I'd better get back to pretending to work now.

Hope you're all having a good day! *hugs and kisses*

[diagnosis| bored]
[rocking out to|The hum of computers in the background]

Monday morning. FAIL.

I start a godforsaken jobseekers course today that lasts 13 BLOODY WEEKS. Cat is not a happy panda. 2 weeks at a recruitment agency and 11 weeks at a work placement. Hey government people, maybe you should try actually finding me a job instead of sending me on these pointless courses that are a complete waste of time. *grumbles* I leave in 10 minutes and I DON'T WANT TO GO. :(

So, weekend. Was alright I suppose. I got caught in a bloody thunderstorm on Saturday, ha. Left my jacket on the bus to go to the football because the weather was fine, muggy and a bit overcast, but nothing that suggested a storm. Yeah Cat, FAIL. The thunder and lightning would have woken the dead, and then the heavens opened and did not stop. I had to sit all the way home with soaking wet clothes and hair. I won't be going anywhere without a jacket again anytime soon.

I want today to just be over so I can devote all my attention to House flailing. Instead I have to make an attempt to concentrate. We'll see how that goes.

Ciao bb's. ♥

[diagnosis| groggy]
[rocking out to|Why Do You Love Me - Garbage]

Lisa Edelstein Takes It All Off

"Soon to be seen without the cleavage-obscuring top. Or any top, for that matter."

" And inside House’s head, there’s Cuddy—and a stripper pole. Edelstein said she consulted with a choreographer who has worked on movies about strippers before and they put together a nice little number for the viewers to enjoy. And while I very much doubt you’re going to see anything the FCC would frown upon, you should still see plenty of the body she does two hours of yoga work on a day."

DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF GOD.

A FUCKING STRIPPER POLE.

*brain implodes*

[diagnosis| crazy]
[rocking out to|Like I Love You - Justin Timberlake]

I AM TOO EFFING WELL HOT.
(Does not help that my bedroom is the stuffiest in the house)

I AM ALSO BORED OUT OF MY MIND.
(I've been up since 7.30am and have run out of stuff to do)

TONIGHT IS HOUSE ON FIVE NIGHT.
(Any episode that contains the words "Bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy." rocks my world)

POSTING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE IT CAN NEVER BE FLAILED OVER ENOUGH.
(Yes I am still insanely obssessed with it and will be for a long time)

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I'M EVEN WRITING LIKE THIS.
(So I'm going to shut up now)

[diagnosis| thirsty]
[rocking out to|The Sound Of White - Missy Higgins]

New layout in honor of the THE picture which currently has us all flailing our backsides off like the super flaily fangirls we are.

Credit to my darling emotikka for the header of total WIN. *huggles her tightly* THANK YOU. For someone who's a beginner at graphics, you're really good!

And major thanks also to the fabulous cryptictac for helping me with the CSS coding required to use said header. *huggles also* I seriously appreciate it!

On an unrelated note, damn it is HOT. It's 23°C here today. Now I know that for most people that is absolutely nothing whatsoever. But you must understand that for Scotland in early May, that is absolutely freaking tropical. I'm wearing skimpy shorts and a vest top, and I'm still melting and wishing I had an electric fan.

*is still on a complete fandom high*

*uses her hot Schoolgirl!Cuddy icon to match the weather*

[diagnosis| hot]
[rocking out to|Love It When You Call - The Feeling]

How on earth does one use a header in the Flexible Squares layout? Because I've seen other people with Flexible Squares who have a header on their journal, but I've combed the customization section and I can't find how to do it. It's probably something simple and I'm just being a first class retard, but I cannot figure it out. And since I want to use emotikka's gorgeous header that she gave me, this makes me a sad panda. :(

Any help is much appreciated bb's. ♥


[diagnosis| curious]
[rocking out to|Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet]

FIRST THERE WAS THE NEW HOUSE EPISODE.

THEN THERE WAS THIS.

AND THEN THERE WAS THIS.

FUCK. ME.

My heart cannot handle all of this. It's almost beating out of my chest. And my breathing's all over the place. And I'm trembling. And my face is flushed. And I think I actually have tears in my eyes over that picture.

I cannot even deal with this people. No amount of capslocking or keymashing or any words I could type would express how I feel right now.

Just....yeah. I can't even think straight. My brain has shut down.

Fandom, I fucking love you. ♥

[diagnosis| indescribable]
[rocking out to|All Out Of Love - Westlife/Delta Goodrem]

xxxjennpennxxx, I saw your last entry and I really wanted to do something for you to try and cheer you up a little, I hope you see it and that it helps a little. *hugs*

First off I want to say that I get exactly where you're coming from on a lot of what you said. My mother also thinks I spend too much time online wrapped up in what she sees as a shallow fantasy world. She's says I'm wasting my time and don't do as much as I should around the house and when it comes to looking for jobs etc. And I can sort of see her point. But like your mother, mine doesn't understand that it's so much more than just a shallow obsession. She knows about Lisa, but she has no idea how what she means to me and how important she is to me. She has no idea of the joy I get spending time online with all my friends who DO understand and feel the same. She has no idea how much fandom in general makes me happy and brightens up my otherwise dull days. I could try explaining, but I wouldn't do it justice, and I don't think she'd ever truly get it. So on that score, I know just exactly how you feel and I truly sympathise.

And on everything else, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. That feeling of not knowing what you're going to do next with your life and feeling pressure to accomplish something and get some direction is something I still feel, and I'm 21 now. It's perfectly normal to be scared, no one said growing up was easy. All you can do is your best, and be true to yourself in the process. And your LJ friends will always be around to listen to you and cheer you up whenever you need it.

Ending this with some Lisa and lyrics from a favourite song of mine.


"Every now and then I'm insecure, let me show you life can be so pure
Seize the day wear a big happy smile on your face
In every life a little rain will fall, that won't change my attitude at all
You are you, I am me, we'll be free"

[diagnosis| sympathetic]
[rocking out to|When You Were Young - The Killers]

The weather here is just BEAUTIFUL. The sun is beating down from a cloudless blue sky and it is lovely and warm. It was great to see people strolling around in shorts and t-shirts today, eating ice cream and smiling, just enjoying the wonderful day and the holiday. I think this is the best day we've had all year so far. And it's to stay like this for the rest of the week - FTW. :D

I had a great time with my family too. We had a wonderful bar lunch together, then we all went to my grandmother's house and sat out in her back garden, lapping up the sun with a few drinks and some delicious birthday cake. Everyone was just talking and laughing and having fun, and I think being out in the good weather was one of the reasons. It was a really enjoyable day and I'm just in a wonderful mood now.

Love to you all. ♥ ♥ ♥

[diagnosis| happy]
[rocking out to|My Girl - The Temptations]

Good morning all. *yawns* I'm so not a morning person. In fact I'm usually still in bed at this time. I feel half dead lol.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I decided on impulse to get my hair done on Saturday. It wasn't that bad but it did need a bit of a tidy up. And it looks great now, I think I should ask for that particular stylist more often because I've been getting compliments ever since, even from people who wouldn't normally notice. And of course I was at the football, but the less said about that the better. :/ Just let the season be over already is all I can say.

And today it's my grandma's 85th birthday and we're all going out for a bar lunch, and then back to hers for the birthday cake and some family time. I shudder to think of the amount of calories I'll consume today but at least I have an excuse lol. I'm all dressed up, which feels unusual because I'm usually more of a jeans and trainers kinda gal. I'm looking forward to it though, fun is always had when these particular members of my family get together.

Knock me down with a feather - Bank Holiday Monday and the sun is shining. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that British tradition dictates that it will usually rain! You can never trust the weather though, I still have my umbrella in my bag just in case.

FanForum, why do you always have to be down when I actually have time to post? *glares* Just my luck.

[diagnosis| groggy]
[rocking out to|Champagne Supernova - Oasis]

*points to icon*

I have another new ship - Rufus/Lily from Gossip Girl.

*laughs*

I just can't stop myself!

[diagnosis| good]
[rocking out to|Touch My Body - Mariah Carey]

Snagged from ibreak4csi.

1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answers to the questions below in the "search" box
3. Using only the first page, choose a picture
4. Right click on the picture, click Properties, copy the address and paste for the answer.

( Clicky here! )

Nothing to really report. Earlier I got a phonecall from a recruitment agency I don't even remember contacting, asking me to go for a registration interview. So that will be....interesting. And I did mean to flist last Sunday, but obviously with my drama that didn't happen. Definitely this weekend, I PROMISE FOR SURE.

OMG HOUSE! *flails* I love you show, so good to have you back. ♥

[diagnosis| relaxed]
[rocking out to|Bad Medicine - Bon Jovi]

Everything from Sunday is sorted. Everything's fine. I'm good.

But enough of that.

I just read this in someone's thoughts for the new House ep.

Was the cameron sleeping with house thing real? it'd be cool if she did XD

WHAT THE FUCK, SERIOUSLY? Someone tell me what the hell that is all about before my head explodes.

Actually, tell me anything worth knowing, because I'm coming up with nothing. Sad panda.

I hate being British sometimes. *shakes fist*

Also FanForum, you choose the most inappropriate times to go down. :(

[diagnosis| confused]
[rocking out to|Don't Stop The Music - Rihanna]

Posting here again because I don't know what else to do.

She's still not back yet and I am losing it. Her mobile rang earlier and I went out and told her, thinking she'd come in to answer it. But no, she just told me to bring it to her. I asked her to please come back in very politely, twice. But she still said no. So then I lost it. I started shaking and crying and begging her, but she wouldn't listen. She just sat there with a drink in her hand (feeding in to my fear) and told me she wasn't falling for it. She thinks I'm faking this. How could she look at me acting totally irrationally and hystericallly and think I was faking it? Surely she knows I never behave like that normally, that I never act like that without a reason? I thought she knew me, I was wrong. Eventually I totally lost the plot and started screaming her. Oh god, I said some horrible, hurtful things and I hate myself now, but I couldn't help it. I don't know how she'll ever forgive me. And now she's still there and I'm here and I am a mess. My chest is really tight and I'm crying so hard I can barely breathe and I can't stop shaking. And I'm typing this here because I'm at my wits end and I don't know what else to do and I honestly think I'm going to lose my mind. I promised myself that I wouldn't get hysterical and make a scene, but this irrational terror is shattering my sense and logic. And what will I do when she does come back? How will I look her in the eye after the things I said? God, I called my own mother a bitch. What am I going to do? And the whole time I was screaming the man next door was sitting there laughing, he doesn't like me anyway and he thought it was funny wathing me go crazy. Fucking bastard, I wish he'd just go and die somewhere.

Oh god, I just looked out the window and they're not there. They must have gone inside to avoid me. I just want to die. What if she's drinking more? And she probably hates my guts now and will take even longer to come back. I've just completely fucked everything up and I am so scared and miserable and I just don't know what to do. No, scared is an understatement. Terrified is more accurate. It hurts even more that she thought I was putting it all on. HOW COULD SHE, MY OWN MOTHER? If she doesn't believe that this is a real thing for me, then there's no chance anyone else ever will. I'm angry at her for breaking her promise to me. I'm angry at myself for being this way. I just want her to come back, even if she is angry at me. At least that would be one less thing to worry about. As it is my terror is just getting higher and higher by the second.

God, I am just so frightened and unhappy. Feel free to think I need to go to the nearest loony bin, because you're right. I'll look back at this entry and die of shame, but what-fucking-ever. I'm only acting this way out of pure fear, I'd never do this normally. I've cried myself out, I can't even do that now. Instead I just have to sit here with this fear bubbling in me with no way to let it out, I'm quiet on the outside but inside I'm screaming. And I also keep thinking of how I called my own mother a bitch and I hate myself, I'll never forgive myself. God though, why won't she just come back? Please? That's all I want right now. I'm so wound up that I could actually be sick myself, oh the irony.

Shut up Cat. Just shut up.

[diagnosis| distressed]
[rocking out to|Already Met You - Superfine]

I'm disabling comments on this right away because I feel stupid for what I'm about to post anyway and I don't want/need sympathy, I just need to let it out somewhere.

One time when I was a little girl my mother drank too much on a night out with my father and it made her extremely physically sick. She was vomiting all night. Now I was only about 5 and I had no idea it was just because of alcohol, I thought she was really ill, and I just had to lie there in bed and listen to it. Because I was so young I didn't understand that it was nothing serious and it terrified me. Ever since that night I've been terrified of people vomiting for any reason, that experience as a child set off an awful fear within me that I've never been able to shake, even though I'm now 21 and old enough to know better. Whenever something sets this fear off I freak out. My breathing gets faster, my heart beats triple time, I start physically trembling and I cry - basically I have a panic attack. I'm scared witless of people drinking too much alcohol or eating something that might have gone off in case it makes them sick, stuff like that. For a long time I thought I was insane reacting this way, and then one day I did some research on the net and discovered what I have has a name. Emetophobia - fear of vomiting. In my case it's obviously a fear of other people vomiting. It felt so good to know that I wasn't going mad.

There's a reason I'm saying all this. They say naming the monster helps you fight it, but not in my case. It still messes up my life. It's a nice day today and my mother has just recently gone to the next door neighbours house for a few drinks. Even something like that is enough to trigger my fear and I can't control it. It's a Sunday afternoon and she has work tomorrow. The woman next door is on strong medication and can't drink very much anyway. My mother is also much more sensible nowadays and never has too much. Yet despite that fact that I KNOW all of these things and know deep down that there's no reason for panic, this stupid phobia has overtaken my logic and I'm freaking out again. My mother is aware of how I react, even though I don't think she really understands it, and she came upstairs to talk to me before she left. And that is ridiculous - no 50 year old woman should ever have to justify herself to her 21 year old daughter. I feel like such a complete twat. But it's not something I can control. I wish I could, but I can't. I wish it would just go away, but it won't. It rules my life and I hate it. Most people are afraid of spiders and heights, but I have to be weird. I feel like a freak. Even as I type I can feel myself trembling and I'm fighting back tears. GOD CAT, GET A FUCKING GRIP. I really hate this.

Actually I'm not going to disable comments because that feels cowardly. This is me and if people have a problem, it's their problem.

I just had to let that out somewhere. I'm going to freak out some more now.

[diagnosis| anxious]
[rocking out to|What Hurts The Most - Cascada]

I must admit FanForum's server problems are really grating my cheese now. It's down more often than not. Or one minute it will be working and the next it just craps out, which is a total pain in the rear when you're in the middle of posting with someone. It may have been slow before the upgrade but at least you could actually access it. This will likely affect board post counts substantially as well, seeing as no one can get access to bloody well post. I have it open on another tab and keep hitting refresh periodically but all I ever get is the "Problem loading page" message of doom. *glares*

I'm moaning about all this here because I came across something I wanted to post at FanForum but obviously can't now. So I'm posting it here instead. It's the rest of the David Shore Chicago Tribune interview where he talks about House/Cuddy and plans for season 5 in regard to that. I'll cut it, since it probably is kinda spoilerish.

( Some spoilers ahead, but if you're a House/Cuddy fan you'll definitely like what's under here )

So there you are.

Random points.

- Home game tomorrow, which I'm glad about since it's felt like forever. Not that I've been missing much if the last performance was anything to go by.

- There's a funfair in town right now. based in the open space next to the cinema. I might be going on Saturday night with a few people if the weather holds out. I think they're doing a deal where you get 10 rides of your choice for £7.99 or something. I hope they have waltzers. I used to be terrified of them as a kid but I love them now, the faster the better!

Have a good weekend everyone!

[diagnosis| blah]
[rocking out to|How To Be Dead - Snow Patrol]

I got tagged by the super lovely xxxjennpennxxx. :)

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to."

1) Everything - Michael Buble
2) Better In Time - Leona Lewis
3) Stop And Stare - OneRepublic
4) Ten Days - Missy Higgins
5) She's So Lovely - Scouting For Girls
6) Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Jefferson Starship
7) Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

I'm not going to tag anyone because I know a lot of my flist have done this already. But if you haven't and you want to, then consider yourself tagged!

Gossip Girl was fab last night - Dan/Serena FTW. ♥

And now I'm going for a lie down - I only got 4 hours sleep last night. *yawns*

[diagnosis| tired]
[rocking out to|Have A Nice Day - The Stereophonics]

I KNOW THE WHOLE OF LJ LAND IS BASICALLY FLIPPING OVER THAT CLIP ON THE FOX SITE. AND AS A GOOD LITTLE FANGIRL IT IS MY DUTY TO JOIN IN.

I AM LOSING IT OVER THIS CLIP. FOR SRS. *IT* IS FINALLY HAPPENING. I ALWAYS KNEW IT WAS GONNA, BUT I REALLY *FEEL* IT NOW. IDK IF THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE, I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

MONDAY NEEDS TO BE HERE NOW KPLZTHANX.

Hee. It's been a while since I've had a reason to bust out the fangirly capslock flailing of win!

*does a spazzy little dance*

[diagnosis| giddy]
[rocking out to|A Moment Like This - Leona Lewis]

WOW.

I didn't even realise that I hadn't updated in a whole WEEK. That is the longest ever for me I think. I also think I just needed a break from LJ. I don't even know why. I just did. I should probably have mentioned that I was going on hiatus rather than letting you all think I'd died or something though, haha. Sorry about that! Due to the hiatus that I had without warning, I have not flisted in forever. I feel like the shittiest LJ friend on earth basically. I WILL CATCH UP THIS WEEKEND, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR I WILL. Most likely Sunday, that's the one day when I have nothing to do and don't need to feel guilty about it. No one does anything on a Sunday anyway.

Umm, I don't actually have much to say now that I am back to be honest. I've been staying in and doing nothing a lot to try and let my bank balance rise a little. I haven't withdrawn any money in like 3 weeks, apart from one time when I topped up my mobile phone. So it should be looking healthier than usual. I still have to save though, since it's just over 3 months till summer holiday time. That means I'll need to go shopping for summer clothes soon (with some of the saved money), FTL. I hate shopping for clothes (and make-up and shoes and anything girly) with a fiery passion. HI, I'M SUCH A TOMBOY.

What else has been happening? Um, minor family drama with my grandmother having an accident. She's 85 next month and does remarkably well for her age, although there seems to be something wrong every other week these days. The latest thing is an ear infection which made her dizzy and caused her to fall over and cut herself. And she's on warfarin which is a blood thinner, so everyone was freaking. It was just minor though and she's fine. Now she's on medication for the infection, which just adds to the truckload of other meds she's on, but she seems alert and well enough. Amazing, I don't know how her brains aren't addled with all those pills.

I think that covers it. For someone with nothing going on, I sure can babble an awful lot.

OH WAIT, I JUST REMEMBERED. Has FanForum been a complete arse for everyone else recently? I'm constantly getting error messages and often it just won't load at all. *glares at it and pokes with a stick* I am not amused.

OH OH OH ALSO! A very happy birthday to my darling Alicia (emotikka) - I hope you're having a wonderful day darling. *hugs and smooches* And a very belated happy birthday to Amy (applepiesunday) - I'm glad you had such a great day bb. Love to both of you. ♥ ♥ ♥

And love to everyone else - it is nice to be back! ♥ ♥ ♥

[diagnosis| calm]
[rocking out to|Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Jefferson Starship]